Thursday, June 21, 2007


Firstly, thanks all for reading and tagging your opinions! I didn't know that so many people would read my blog. Guess that I should really start blogging regularly, special thanks to Ding. x)

My posts on Loners, guess I really got them wrong. Destiny's post on Loners, truly define what loners are. Definition from One who avoids the company of others.
Destiny: A loner is defined as someone who doesn't crave much contact with the world. Therefore, when you try to make contact with TRUE LONERS, they naturally ignore you. loners are loners. lonely people are lonely people. I agree with you, but still...
Maybe I should change my term, the loners i meant are people who wants to make friends, but are rejected due to some reasons or another. We should provide help for them, don't we. But what should we call them?

For more infomation, read this post by Destiny.

And about understanding Christians, I understand them. I attend church service on occasions, preached by the sermons, and know baptism. But its not whether they believe in only one God, the unability to hold a joss-stick, instead, its about the respect for their late mother, who believes in her religion, Buddhism. Can't they just walk this last Buddhist journey with their mother, for their mother? That's all I can say, but still, give me more of your opinions.

Recently, or should I say quite long ago. Around 2 weeks, there was a lost contact with her. She did not reply my messages, everything was cut off. And I was depressed for the first few days. She suddenly changed. But as time past, I admit to reality and told myself that she don't want to be that 'good-friend' of mine anymore, and I just live life as normal. (It may also be my hectic schedule that make me forgot about her, its one reason and another.)But today, she suddenly messaged me, wanted to chat. I was surprise, and I called her. We chatted and I was even more surprised when she told me that she didn't realised it was that long, 2 weeks. At that time, I told myself, is my place in her heart so small that she won't even realised it, or is she just too busy? But at least we're back chatting and stuffs, and I am happy.

This taught me something...
If you have a friend now, who suddenly treats you coldly and stuff. Maybe they are just too busy, or simply don't want be friend you at the meantime. Just give them time, time to be alone. You may even want to forget them, but if they still treat you as a friend, they will find you again. I don't know if that's bad or what, but at least, you know that they still treat you as a friend when they look for you again, but you also will know that you can forget them, quite easily.

Once again, thanks all for the tags and comment!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

I hate myself, once again.

It was a very bad day, one of the worse day of my life. Outside you see me smile, but I am dying inside, without you.

But now I know one thing, everyone is making use of her innocence. Him, me, her friends, everyone. She's indeed blur and always don't know that she's doing the wrong thing. I'd just hate myself, even though I do not know it, but I completely used her innocence to get close to her, always lying to even myself.

She changed completely after reading my previous post. Can't be blamed. But its not only that she's changed, she's sad. Fuck myself, I deserve death. If I'd not blogged, everything would turn out fine now, just that I would always be her good-friend. Now she's got another trouble, and she lost another comforter. Its a lose-lose situation, and all because of me. I hate myself and I hate blogging.

I will always remain that good-friend of yours. I am sorry.

You could not see my sharp teeth,
You could not see my big and round eyes,
You could not see my large nose,
Without knowing,
I became your big bad Wolf.
But still, I could not eat you up.
And now everything just got so bad.
I would die, and you would moan for your Granny in my stomach,
All this may just be expressions,
But its real sorrows.
I don't know how to revert all of this,
But I will always be that good-friend of yours.
Now I realised I was making use of your innocence all-along,
I am sorry.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Fuckin' Hell

Just for clarifications, I ain't close to my aunt, she's just my favourite aunt. Her attitude is always so much better than others.

Back to my life, how do I describe it? Two words, Fuckin' Hell. My aunt left the day after my post. But maybe its a blessing in disguise, she would suffer more on this Earthly Cruel land. Her brain was already severely damaged. What pissed me most was during the funeral. Sigh, I am getting to hate Christians, really.

My late Aunt has two children, both were almost able to provide for themselves, but they're Christians and my Aunt is a Buddhist. At least the funeral was arranged in a Buddhist way, but it didn't go quite well. Let's see, they wouldn't hold a joss-stick to pray to their own mother. And always disappear during prayers. It a custom for Buddhist during funerals to keep a joss-stick lighted, and no one in their family would do that. My dad who is the brother, had to do for them. Even during prayers, its only my brothers and some cousins of mine, it seems like we're the immediate family of my Aunt. Though Christians, they surely wouldn't wear bright PINK during funerals! Next, they were like so stingy? Everything was like kept small, so different from my Grandma's funeral. And everyone, the immediate family, disppeared at night. Maybe the son had stayed, but he wasn't around at many times. I hate talking about this man, but Christians are indeed getting too much. I am a Buddhist, but when I go for a Church Service, I would pray to Jesus and the Father. So why can't they just respect my God?

Actually, I look upon myself as a Half-Christians, but I an thinking to change my mind now. Baptised? So what Fuck? She's ya'all mother, not mine! Still, Aunt, Rest In Peace, forgive them for they can't differentiate Gods.

It quite weird at the last day of the funeral. Its only three days, Stingy huh? Everyone cried as the Monk did the last prayers, but I didn't. Not a tear, no sadness. I felt that my Aunt was already gone, she was in Heaven. That was just a body. Weird huh?

I missed the first day of my class chalet for my Aunt's funeral. But I quite regretted going there. Left out, I was so. Hmm, nothing much happened, nothing memorable. Went there, others went for biking, I stayed back with Waiping, Valerie and some others. Eat my lunch alone at some coffeeshop, ran some errands for them for the barbacue, barbacue-ed, and slept. Don't know why but maybe its just me. I even had to call her to cure my boreness, but sigh.

Its worse than rejection.
Being so close, yet so far.
Its a toture.
I hate being caught in the middle,
but my heart just can't let go of you.
Everytime you talked about him,
my heat aches.
But as long as you're happy,
I will be, happy and tortured.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Freakin' Bad Life

Actually, I really feel like changing this blog, to really, a blog. A blog is not defined as a journal, which many youths misunderstood, but its a website to show your views on issues of nouns. But still, I don't wanna write a journal, typing would be better.

How's my life the past few months? Terrible. I flunked my Mid-Year Examinations totally, though I had high hopes on it. Humanities, my best subjects, killed me. Life's unfair.

Tho' I had somethings which went quite well, Eg.Com, but there were many which we not.

I missed my camp, and dearly missed her the past few days. But she kind of changed after the camp, that's what I feel. And gawd, I am starting to like her again. Or its not just only now? Maybe it was always deeply buried in my heart, only now to be dug out? I just can't get her off my mind. Maybe I am indeed, just a flirt.

Today was worse. My Aunt had a bad fall, and she's now in the ICU. She's my favourite Aunt! She would give us extra pocket money whenever she's around, and she's active! I would really miss her. It was just a fall. Life's fragile, life's unfair.

May not be continue any debates for the meantime, totally have no time. And thanks ya'all for tagging and staying around!